More complaining and depressing shit

    Some people are just sad. Some people will always feel sad and alone. I'm one of those, as you can probably already tell. I'm perfectly capable of feeling happy, but it never lasts more than a few minutes. All the sorrow I have to bury in myself just finds a way to come out, eventually. Built up and strong, too. And with no reason. I've barely any reason to be sad other than the fact that that's just how I am. I don't want to justify it with anything, I must be honest with myself. I am a sad, lonely person who just likes to complain. Who the hell wants to be around someone like that? The people that do slide by me don't know, and the people that don't matter I don't care if they do. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just want someone who I can be sad with, yes, sad with, not happy, sad with who will still accept me. Like any other human, I want to be accepted, but I am too selfish to change and I don't care enough to anyway. I just like to complain, I can always find any little thing to complain about. I don't even want a relationship, at least not a real life touchy-feely relationship. I want a thought vessel who I can complain to and who can complain to me in the same way. Not seeing each-other as people, but as thinking entities. I don't like people, I don't like the physical aspect of being social. Sometimes you just smile weird, some day you're walking funny, someday your shirt has a stain, someday you're just too rough, every other day something about you is just wrong. It's just little retarded bullshit that people make out to matter when I would love not to care about it in the slightest. But it's hard to go against majority and deal with retarded remarks each fucking time. Oh my, the stares and the little laughs, and then you check back on yourself and you see nothing wrong. I have many insecurities and they're not just that, they're things that I am part of. I don't like being ugly, but how much choice did I have in that? I don't really like being THIS weird, but again, did I really chose this? Fuck it man, why must stupid shit like this matter? I like being social just at the thought level though, I like talking to people, but not straight into their face. I don't want to look them in the eye, because that's further from perfect than just talking and I want things to be ideological and perfect because I'm scared of change. I'm scared, really,  scared that my appearance of manner would mess something up, so I'd rather just be a thinking entity to people, because in the end that's all that matters to me.
Some people are meant to be with people. And others, like me, are just different. I'd rather hide myself for the rest of my days in a small enclosed room, I don't have the need to see other people, and in all fact, I hate it because I know they don't like seeing me.

I uh

Oh man, in retrospect all these things are pretty depressing to read, man. Shit.

XXIV

Who I am, an objective analysis.

      I'm not to tall, not to short, though maybe shorter than the usual guy. I'm 5'7" , or in normal people measuring systems, 167 cm. Though I am not sure how much I weigh, I am generally skinny-regular build, with a bit more fat around my stomach. I do have a bit of muscle on my legs and arms, probably from ages of "handy" work.
      My face has several imperfections, ranging from eyebags that are starting to expand up to the side, some weird creases on my cheeks, just under the cheek bones and two bumps under my mouth from when I was hit in the face with a swing. That probably messed up a bit one of my front teeth as well. I have a pretty large nose. My hair is way too puffy when freshly washed, but generally looks decent after a few days. Both my eyes and hair are dark brown. I sport a trimmed goatee, though I plan to let it just grow.
     I tend to walk in a nervous manner, sometimes staring at the ground, maybe slightly haunched. Whenever I feel that people are watching me, my walking gets even more awkward and stressed. I don't generally look at people in the eye, especially if I don't know them, avoiding eye contact at most times. I have a bit of trouble hearing, so usually I have people repeat things until I get them right or just assume I did so the first time. My eyes are pretty bad too, I wear distance glasses. I can see fine up close, but further than maybe 5 meters  I start having trouble reading signs and posts. I get tired easily when running or any other heavy oxygen intake thing, one of my nostrils being blocked off by a mixture of cartilage.
     I eat very little each day, sometimes just one meal, sometimes just a bunch of snacks. I do not care for healthy food, I eat based on what I feel like tasting and judge foods on taste only.
     I am a very lazy person, up to the point that I pick doing everything at the last moment. I do things half-assed. I don't pour much effort into what I'm doing. I do not like meeting new people at all, and dislike being around people in general. I don't want to indulge in human interaction at all, but at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to talk. I also have an immense craving for affection to contradict my dislike of people. It's maybe because I grew up receiving very little affection. Could be because I am stupid enough to believe in the concept of love. I dislike change in general, if you already found something that works, you better stick to it. It's hard, even for me, to understand how I act around people. I guess to most people I know, I have another side that takes something from their personality to adapt to them easier. I tend to try to make jokes, most of which are not really amusing. I am introverted and highly opinionated. I would rather not speak most of the time. When I do say something, it usually turns into a disagreement argument which I either win or just verbally beat up the other person until they give up. The two friends with which I used to walk home from school had a policy of not arguing with me on account of the fact they'd always lose. I have few friends, most of which are based on mutual interest for video games, playing them together and occasionally eating/drinking out. I can count 7 or 8 people in the category.
     I am not very creative, thought sometimes I do get a good idea which I fail to translate properly into a drawing, considering I was too lazy to ever improve my technique. I find writing much easier than drawing, though I know most of the time what I am typing isn't interesting at all.
     I view my principles highly, but I am too stupid at times to respect them. These are probably the only positive things I find about myself. I value honesty, honour and fairness very much.
     I have been told many times that I am smart, regarding academic pursuit, though I do not agree. My memory had and has the tendency to remember important things straight out from classes, so I seldom had the need to study. Other than that, I am pretty dumb and would rather know theoretical things rather than practical ones.
     All I do all day is mostly sit inside. I play video games and surf the internet generally. Other than this, I will maybe draw or write. The only times I step out of the house is where beer or pizza are mentioned and when I have to do something I can't avoid.
     I come off as a negative person, but it's something I'd like to call realism. I always expect the worse because with expecting the worse your disposition can only go up or stay steady rather than fall.
     There is probably a lot more to say, but for now that's all I can think of. Maybe I'll continue some other time. As a short summary, I am an ugly, short, skinnyfat awkward antisocial moron. The irony of writing this is that I am listening to a song titled "I am perfection" while doing it. I thought that was kind of funny.

XXIII

        I wish to write thousands upon thousands of words to paint hundreds upon hundreds of pictures, but I adhere to the phrase "quality over quantity" if only in principle. How many things have I to say that I've not yet spoken of? I dread the moment I start repeating myself. It escapes my memory whether I have mentioned or not before of my resent for fools that claim as theirs the achievement of others. "Look how much we've built, how high we reached". We? We, my good friend, have no participation into said heights and claiming to do so is just a further example of our own ignorance. It is no longer a claim over nationality or vicinity, but a claim over humanity as a whole. Why do these buffoons feel the need to justify their petty existence by associating with things that are largely viewed as great? It is because they are unable to do anything of their own, one would be lead to think.
       I really do love seeing my pursuit of knowledge being fulfilled ever since I had the pleasure of picking it up. It's not everyday that I learn or figure something, but every so often when I do it does bring me satisfaction. Thought my knowledge and experience might be limited, I do hope that what I stumble upon is the truth, and even if that is not the case, thought my opinion matters most to me, I am able to change it provided better solid reasoning is provided. I know and accept that I am subject to the flaws I criticize, that including being wrong. But it's not that which I dislike, but rather the denial of compelling proof that irks me.
     Though I am not fond of extremes, there are some in which my mind would rather I fall into. One of these is my view on life. Were it my way, I would either cease to exist or gain immortal life. Immortality offers the possibility to forever continue my quest for truth which has become so important to me, as well as ceaseless entertainment. Lack of existence brings peace to my thoughts, though I can not be sure how it would "be". I do not wish to be subjected to physical pain, hunger and all other things concerning mortality, defects of the mind are much more pleasant.
      I do not know if it's hasty to make this statement, but it would seem honesty and honour are also becoming fictional concepts. Further thought proves that they always were, part of the illusion of greatness we attribute the human mind to. Vile, greedy, disgusting and stupid are concepts which define it rather better than qualities. Qualities of the mind, come to think of it, are compensation for lack of physical ones. It almost seems an artificial process of developing them to spite nature, but at the same time it has to be natural, right?
       I am already tired of mentioning each time that all I say must be taken in relative terms, but it is how it is. Whether it is my limited experience or the sheer amount of different possibilities that human mentality has at it's disposal, I cannot say that everything is available for everyone. Even my most prized remark, "everyone is stupid" could be knocked as relative. It just hasn't yet.
      Disposability. It is amazing how actually disposable to your life people are and how much we act as if they're not. It's another leftover mechanism. In hunter-gathering times, tribes or packs of humans were present in limited numbers and spread out. Thus, if you couldn't make friends with who you had close then you would be in a great amount of trouble, and had little chance of surviving. Care for close individuals is a mechanism to keep the pack together, but look at us. There are so many of us with numerous similar copies of each-other existing. You are free to mess up social relationships as many times as you want, you probably will never actually mess up 7 billion times.

People are shit.

Yep yep. May not apply to everyone.
Edit, edit, edit.

XXII

       A blank slate. A new day. Another night of missed sleep. Another conquest and battle for the truth. Nothing matters though, and there still is no reason to seek it, yet I still do. It's fun, entertaining and interesting, and that's the only thing that keeps me safe from the horror of boredom. Have I reached an answer? Is it possible to? Should I contain emotion or completely wipe it out? Is either of those possible? Questions. An endless stream of them rush to me, seeking an answer, just like all the others. I'm guessing strictly emotionless human behaviour is improbable without extensive conditioning from early on, but it still might be a possibility. What would Tyler Durden do? Would he encourage rationality or sentimentality and which one does really benefit anyone? I'm sure both are beneficial and detrimental to us, individually or on a large scale and it's hard to weight in which one is better. Many good things are emotionally drive and many bad things alike. Though, rationality doesn't endorse self-damaging behaviour. I'd like to believe rationality is what is most beneficial for an emotionally unstable individual like me. I have nothing and I have everything, yet I am nothing and nothing more. Just another contradiction, I tell myself, and learn to live on with it, in time. Add it to the pile. Who am I even? I don't...hm. Maybe I am just really flexible and twist around to mould to the people I surround myself with? When's the last time I acted a way because I felt like it and not for someone else? It must have been at least a month ago. I want that to stop, and I want to do things for myself only. I don't want to care for anyone, not even myself. I can't accept anyone, no matter how close they come to perfection because they will always have flaws. I can't accept myself much, seeing the piles upon piles I've gathered, but the difference between me and other people is that I can choose who to talk to but I can't detach my conscience from the flesh I am. I want to never care for anyone else and I am sure I am able to, to never give one iota of feeling for anything other than enjoyment of entertainment. It's the only thing I want to be concerned, the well being and entertainment of myself and I should not care at what price it comes from people I may or may not have cared or care. It's a hard decision to take, but it must be taken in order to be my true self-centred selfish self.
          I do not fear death but have no wish to live. I don't wish to die, either. What the hell do I want? To be entertained. It seems to have surfaced many times as my predominant motivational factor. Entertainment of any sorts, I could say, drives everything I do. I don't want money in large sums, I do not wish for women or friends. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to live "high" on life or any substance. I simply want to be entertained and the sole reason I exist is to entertain myself. The aggravating part is that people seem to get caught in that existence, people that want to or force themselves into it. People I end up liking and disliking at the same time. People from which I have to break free, should I wish to be free to be the real me, because the only time I can be the real me is isolated from all contact from people I would ever care about.
           It's really annoying how little choice we have regarding where, how, when and to who we are born, who we meet and what we become in time, therefore, man will always seek freedom. The only reward that comes from that is the delusional idea of freedom, a concept which cannot exist to the absolute for anything that was ever born, simply because they didn't choose to get born. They might agree to it, but it's not the same. Or maybe I am wrong and we do choose to be born? Everything is possible, which is why the search for truth is so difficult. It's not an easy task to discern between apparent truth and actual truth, and even then the very standards by which we judge might be flawed. With that said, perfect rationality doesn't exist either. Just a few of the reasons why I am bothered by the fact I exist to think these paradoxical thoughts.

Funny shit.

I love how it fucks up the blog layout hahah. Disregard that.

XXI

          I find myself utterly despicable. Pathetic, lazy, unproductive, silly and many more. It seems that insults just lose meaning when you throw them at yourself don't they? It seems they do have a greater impact when somebody else tells it to you. By insults I guess I mean truths, really. I'm a pretty shy guy, socially awkward even. So whenever I am just walking around and get these long weird gazes at me I start feeling insecure. I sometimes wish I could tell what people are thinking, you know, read their minds so I can tell whether they're judging me properly or not. I know I am ugly and weird to the first sight, but damn, I didn't think it was really that bad. Or maybe that's just how people are? They just stare around a bunch and observe other people out of curiosity? I do that too. The most I tend to see is that they usually size you up, especially stopping at the shoes. Are we seriously shallow enough to judge people by the brand of shoes they wear or am I just drawing  a hasty conclusion?
          I don't want to stand out but I'd never cut my hear short and wear whatever is "fashionable" because it just seems like a load of sparkly flamboyant shit to me. Nobody considers clothes actually being useful, and it just seems to be made to draw attention. After all, that is what fashion has become, a cry for attention. But if they're all screaming for attention at each other, who's gonna stop and give it to them? And on the note of usefulness, weren't clothes developed with the idea of protection? As in warm in the winter, cold in the summer, whatever in-between? With this in mid, the other day I see some girl wearing considerably long fur boots. And it's 35 C outside. A bunch of crazy people I tell you. Whatever happened to respectable men wearing watches and glasses as useful accessories? Now every guy I see is just wearing a bazillion bracelets, earrings, random metal on their face. What the hell man? Fuck.
          I just wear some simple shirt, some simple pants, decent shoes good for both running and walking and maybe, sometimes, a watch. My hair just feels good and natural to be long, and I've had a respect for older cultures like the Norse one in which some men had long hair.
           And that's where my creative juice stops flowing.

Long list of explanations for people I upset that I don't feel like repeating every single time

Note: aavot = and any variation of that

• "you must be a miserable virgin with nothing better to do" aavot

 Pretty much. But that's not the reason I'm making fun of you. It's because it's entertaining and funny to observe your reactions and probably because I want to show you my truth.

• "I don't care" aavot

 If you didn't you wouldn't bother to tell me, you would just ignore me. There is hardly sincerity in that phrase and you know I'm right. It's a thing you say to seem like you really don't but if you follow it with some kind of justification why you're not <insert what I said you are here> then it's kinda starting to show you're in denial.

• "you are being mean" aavot

 Truth is just a kick in the nuts sometimes, but I'm a realist. If you can't accept it then that's just more reason for me to shove it down your throat with the risk of sounding like some retarded preacher.

• "you are being immature" aavot

Really? Last time I checked stupidity, delusion and lack of scepticism weren't very mature either. And I don't see how the wish to make people aware of their flaws is immature. Would you say an artist is being immature because he's criticising society? Furthermore, if you say that because I word my sentences funnily and use "dirty" words than you are a dumb fuck and you need to grow up.

• "what gives you the right to judge me" aavot

What doesn't? As for what does, it's a cultivated sense of observation, fact based conclusions and highly rational thinking. But you probably don't even want to know what, you just asked because you need to calm your tits and you do so by doing mental gymnastics to invalidate my opinion.

• "you must have no friends" aavot

Contrary to your belief, there are actually people who are worth associating with. There are people that are not as <insert what I said you are here> as you are, therefore agreeable to. You and your friends are most likely not part of these select few.

• "that's just your opinion" aavot

Really? You know, I actually googled you and copy pasted an opinion. What? Of course it's my opinion, I said it. Of course it's what I think about you but I came to that conclusion based on observing certain things about you, not by ingesting magical opinion dust and shitting out a comment. Unless I was making fun of you in which case you actually be wrong to say it's my opinion because I never meant anything I said.

• "You just want to spout out shit to try to hurt me" aavot (actual quote by some bitch)

While I believe all humans are worthless meat bags by default and think they shouldn't exist, I have no intention of making them feel anything, good or bad. If I say something to you it's because I believe it's the truth and it has to be said to wake you up from whatever delusion you've built around yourself because I fucking hate delusional idiots.

I feel as if these will come in handy pretty soon.

Spilling some soul, my bad.

Why do I get sad? Because life keeps dangling happiness in front of me, carrot on a stick style. I think this is actually what motivates some people, because they can't see the string or the stick and don't realise they'll never catch up with it.
Why do I get sad? Because I've grown accustomed to it. It's what I am. I am sorrowful angry and hateful person. It's what I've become and I can't care enough to change because no matter how sad you get it never hurts you physically. So there's never a reason to stop being sad other than the fact that it's unpleasant.
Why do I get sad? Because I've very little and spread out reasons to be happy. I could be happy, I could bury the sorrow away, but it would be a part of me that I am burying and forgetting. And feelings without a reason are as empty as it can get.
Why do I get sad? Because I am selfish and want everything to be good. Because it's rare for things to happen the way I want them to and my wish extends over to forces and beings I have no control over. Being selfish makes you believe you are entitled to be happy.
Why do I get sad? Because I see things that are wrong which I can't fix. I notice mistakes made in large scale, hypocrisy, deception, delusion and lies that, in the view of a honest man, have no reason to be part of the world. Sincerity is losing the battle to greed.
Why do I get sad? Because I let that feeling linger. I live with it, and sometimes, to be honest, it feels good to feel sad. Specifically, when it's the only feeling I can feel justified, and the only feeling I have under my comfort blanket.
Why do I get sad? Because despite all the armour I've built for myself, you can never wear something protective enough. There's always a little slit somewhere where someone can just stick their knife in. And blood rusts armour.It's because I'm proven time and time again I am still weak enough to depend on other people and dumb enough to get attached.
Why do I get sad? Because I am lonely and we are hard wired to feel sad alongside being lonely. And I am lonely because of a plethora of reasons. I am not attractive. I am not social. I am not creative. I am not likeable. The only times I can be funny is when I reference somebody else's joke or emulate some funny behaviour. And in reality, the only kind of person that would like me would either have to lie to themselves or just be the same. And -1+ (-1) =! 2.
Why do I get sad? Because I believe in concepts that only exist in fiction. Because I've been convinced to believe in concepts such as true love and honour.
Why do I get sad? Because I am a useless, broken, talentless, purposeless, deluded, dumb, pathetic, weak piece of shit.
Addendum : I never said I didn't want to be sad, but I never said I didn't want to be happy. And I'm guessing being happy is better. I don't know.

Dickbag theories (for now)

#1 Everyone is stupid. No exceptions.
#2 The only thing you can be sure of is that you can't be sure of anything.
#3 You can prove the existence of a single entity, the originator of the "I", in "I think".
#4 Humans are the most delusional animals and they lie to each other and themselves all the time.

Dreams of a sleepless fuck

One of them geeky pale girls with long black hair. She's got these crazy green eyes and I could swear I lose myself countless times in just when she wakes up. And she looks so short and skinny as she gets up to walk toward the bathroom to wash her pretty face. Fragile little thing. So I get myself together, get up and follow her. I hug her in front of the mirror and think for a second that I might actually be happy. But I know she doesn't feel the same. She sleeps around, I'm just another guy.

Some dreams can mess you up pretty bad, man.

Right-Click > Convert to... analogy

Alright. Say you're this kid born in the  1920's and you never meet your father. Say your mother and everyone else tells you that your father is a highly influential illusive rich man that will always be watching you but never interferes dirrectly with your life. You also get told he loves you very much, but if you do not believe he's your father you will get beat up pretty bad. So you go through life and he pays a bunch of guys to pick on you in high school, you get fired from every job, but he also leaves random 100$ bills you find and pays this one girl at some point to show affection to you, but you don't think that he actually does all of this even though the same people tell you he does. So you grow up not to believe in him because if he is really rich and loves you he wouldn't let you have such a shitty life, and you can't afford a private detective and DNA tests don't exist for you to prove anything. And then one day you randomly run into him and you get knocked out. You wake up in this red room where an ex-employee of him just beats the living shit out of you and then nurses you back to health to beat the shit out of you again. For the rest of your life. And your father is there watching. Because he loves you.

Serial killers and you

         Intro
I think I was 14 by the time  I had a serial killer idea. And yes, I was stupid enough for a while that I went outside examining the area and people with these crazy thoughts. Anyway , the keyword with this thing is evidence. One must be absolutely sure no evidence is left behind. With how stuff works especially today, leaving a 2mm bit of hair is equal to you getting caught. My idea would involve putting plenty of money into it which springs American Psycho into mind.

        Weapons
The only thing reusable would be the car used for transport but even that might be a means of tying you to the murders. For weapons and clothes always buy from random stores without a pattern. Use stuff that is everyday material but can be used as a weapon (scissor, nail gun, hammer, screwdriver (heh, tools)) and. Clothes have to be dark colors but throw in a random light colored shirt occasionally which you don't use. Shop out the zone you live and make no comments about the stuff you buy unless asked and then reply casually.

         The act
 The downside is that this takes all personality out of killing. You have no pattern, killing must be done swiftly so no enjoyment, no police fame but then again that is what drags everyone down, the point is just never being caught. Second of all your state of mind is important, as you must have enough mental capacity to remain unchanged mentally in any means and give no hint that you ever did anything like this. This makes the murders seem like disappearances with no trace if you made sure enough that there is no evidence behind. Every act must be carried out on a random day, and not more than twice maybe per year.  First of all examine the area thoroughly looking for blind spots, obviously do it at night, pick completely random victims and don't have any reason to do it, carry out the murder as fast as possible making sure noise isn't a problem. Also falling into patterns is a bad idea. 

         Disposing of the act
Now I think that the solution is fire. Acquire a means of transporting your dead victim to a place where you can be sure nobody will see you pull them out and start a fire such as middle of the woods and make the place different every time. Do it in a different city/state every time is also a good option but that incriminates you with travelling around too much so try to avoid being recorded doing this. Burn both the body, the weapon and the clothes you were wearing during the murder in an as small as possible fire ( takes time so you might lose a night) and then scatter ash and burry skeleton as well as pull out the teeth and skull and bury them much farther, spread out bones and the remains of the weapon.

         Dealing with the outcome
The thing is this might actually spark a pattern, and you will get your fame but when you do hear word of it you must act shocked but not show interest more than the average person. Do not follow the mediatization of your acts, and keep absolutely nothing that might tie you to the murder at all.

        Outro
I'm obviously not going to be stupid enough to do it as I think I would take no pleasure in murdering random people and I did write this whole stuff so it's going to be easy to recognize it by someone who read it (nobody, ever). I just felt that the thought process might be interesting.

Shit I need to remember to verify maybe

•  Being gay is natural selection.
•  The only thing that can be perfect is pure inexistence(not: things you imagined that don't exist).
•  Everyone is stupid.
•  There are no judeo-christian gods, and no poly-theistic religion gods either.
•  Fetishes derive from the subconscious due to some event.
•  There is no reason for us to ponder the workings of things or even us being rational.
•  Racism is part of survival instinct and/or natural selection.
•  Everything living beings do is due to survival instinct.
•  Most stupid people want to stand out, therfore do stupid stuff. They all believe they are unique.
• Sleep has no function to the phyiscal body, just to the brain, therefore pysical fatigue due to lack of sleep doesn't exist.
• All we say and do is the result of a cognitive process, conscious or subconscious, everything we do has a reason beside surivial instinct OR is our understanding of survival instinct.

XX

Today I am a sad man. Today it has finally happened.Today it seems that I have no means to distract myself from my meaningless existance. Nothing is fun anymore, nothing entertaining. Just long drawn out hours upon hours of nothing. This is even worse than sleeping, because at least with sleeping I'm not conscious. It all keeps going on and I have no idea what to do to change anything. I must not forget, I am stuck here forever. And by ever I mean the loose definition of my lifetime. If only ceilings were more interesting to stare at.

And I even know what the problem is here. I have become too social without becoming sociable enough. I've grown dependent upon others without my own will. It just happened over time and now I can only change within more time. I don't like people and I don't want to depend upon them for entertainment, everything else is fine. I'm too selfish, self-centered and egotistical to be able to accept other people, if only there was a cloning machine or something... Geez.

It rained yesterday. I like rain, especially spring rain. The smell of grass, the feeling of water pouring on you, the relaxing sound, the chilly breeze, and best of all, the low amout of people outside. I want it to rain again.

Deep meaningful meaningless meaning full of shit shit

I lack the mental capabilities to give everything up for the sake of an ideal. That's me, weak and afraid. But we all ar- why do I look so much for way to justify myself instead of accepting it? I'm afraid of having imperfections such as these and seek to rid myself idealistically of them. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I can't do anything about it. Maybe I am right. I don't even know. I even try to justify suicidal tendencies with the realization that life is pointless instead of my own weakness and fear and I try to justify not doing it by thinking it would be a waste and it's the cowards way. It seems that both doing it and not doing it are the coward's way though. What do you do when you get to a state where feeling good becomes a reason to feel bad and when you have to distract your thinking side by doing something that takes you away if only for a couple of minutes. A song, a movie, a videogame, sleep. It seems whenever I catch myself thinking of something and not being distracted it's always something negative. When I realize it I also tell myself there is no reason to be positive. It’s true, there is really no reason to be happy. But is that enough a reason to be sad? No. The real question is why do have emotions? The basic feelings of pain, sights, senses etc. are there for the reason of survival, discernment between thing that are good for you and things that are not, and yet happiness and sadness seem to be disposable. Happiness comes as a reward for doing something beneficial to you, sadness from depriving yourself of that. Therefore a thinking man can never be happy, for he sacrifices need for curiosity. Or is it that I am generalizing and you can truly be happy and philosophical? A thinking man should realize at some point that if he truly want to be different from animals, ergo superior, he must free himself from instincts, a fact contradicting his survival. The real deduction is that intellectualism and rationality have no place in a living creature. Outside the knowledge of its food, its predators and its environment, an animal has no need for further information. The rest is provided by instinct and genetics. So then, what role does knowledge of his ancestor’s actions, of art and literature and so forth provide? Entertainment. But this again has no benefit to it in the long run. Unless entertainment is truly the meaning of life. Are animals other than human capable of entertainment? It’s not something my knowledge can answer surely, but I think that they are, to some extent (see: dogs playing fetch) . And yet all the entertaining actions I can think of that animals do seem to be influenced or even started by man. Dissecting the meaning of life is something that leads to nowhere. Why do plants exist? So herbivores can feed, so oxygen can be produced, etc. It’s either a circular answer or no answer at all. What benefit comes to me for pondering all of this? Certainty? Am I scared of the unknown that I really need to know the truth? Maybe at the moment, maybe subconsciously.

On the point of the subconscious, it is starting to feel like I am made up of two parts. A sentient rational and logical parasite inhabiting an instinct driven mammal that the parasite calls a human. The brain named itself? What is the purpose of language when other animals can make do without it? Why must it all be so fucking complex that I lose hours thinking of it.  Still, all of this actually offers me a bit of satisfaction, especially the feeling of being right and seeing (what I believe is right) that many others do not see.

I’m using English so much I’ve begun to stutter in the use of my own language. I am becoming a pathetic piece of shit. The lowest scum. Or have I always been one? That from the standards of the average person, and since majority speaks, probably the right standards to consider. I have no wish to articulate my thoughts other than one syllable words to others, depicting just my needs, but someone can’t function like that in a highly sociable race such as ours. A highly sociable race that keeps making itself pseudo-social. Where are we even heading, backwards or forwards? Maybe both directions at the same time, maybe sideways. This is the point where I become aware of my hate for my race and start acting violently. Then I realize my hate is towards hypocrisy and play-pretend but also see that I am blamable of the same things. I am also instinct driven no matter how much I’d like not to be. I am a sad person and the fact that I am sad makes me sadder.

What is insanity? It’s natural selection, but as I believe I have said before here, natural selection no longer works in the human society, and maybe even other species in the proximity of  u- Oh god damn it shut up. Shut up and get out of my head. Let me just sleep the eternal slumber, kill me once and rid me of all this for I am too much of a coward to do it myself…yet. Fuck. Everything is either boring or aggravating and I am getting sick of everything and overflowing with hate, anger fear and disgust. I really want to go away and take everyone, no everything with me. I want the world, no the universe to come to an end because it is all illogical and purposeless. It all pisses me off to no end and I utterly helpless in this mater. If I could only do something to hasten its demise, I would, but I am so…so helpless. And the sky is so damn beautiful today.

"I am tired of you fucking vegans thinking you are the shit that is good. I am fucking anoyed by the military fags crying about how they lost a leg or a nerve while they killed other people. I am tired that i am the prince of bel-air. Shit i am tired of you. I am tired of those suicide faggots, just do it already. I am tired of those religious fucks who send their soldiers to poison the mind of actual thinkers. I fucking hate money. I hate to see these animal humans lusting for bullshit they obviously do not need. I am so tired that my bones dont care to get up in the morning. I am so tired that a painkiller worsens the pain. I am so tired that i fucking hate myself for putting up with all this shit. I am selfish for thinking that this even matters. I don't even know what. My point is, next time you see me... ill be far in space."

Yeah, kinda like that, but with more blowing everything up -before- going to space.

What post number am I even on?

It’s been a while…

Man, showers are sure great. There’s just something about flowing water that makes things…flow. I think my space key is broken again, wait, let me fix it. I think I figured  out why I like videogames, it’s because they have a pre-defined purpose, a goal. I don’t want to go much into that but, yeah. Also videogames are the ultimate form of entertainment. They merge imagery, music and story-telling (just like a movie) but in a interactive way, and that’s cool yo.

And fuck you happymeat, you peice of shit.

XVI

People these days, no sense of style, no sense of dirrection, no sense of decency, no common sense, no sense at all.

XV

-So, how's suicide man?
-I'm getting the hang of it, but i'm still having trouble.
-Really, why?
-I get the theory, it's just that the practice kills me.










<ba dum tshhhhhh>

XIV

No more lies, no more pretending, no more fitting in. A hatred that consumes me stems from the very nature of things as they are. I hate everyone and everything but mostly I hate myself, and not as a person, but as an idea. I hate the concept of a human, an animal with the capacity to rationalize what it is doing. I hate seeing things as I believe they are, or are they? I’ve been assured they are, but why can’t I be sure of it? Is it really certainty? I hate this dark way and self destructive life philosophy I’ve developed. I hate that I’m finally at the end of my rope and cracking bit by bit, day by day. I hate that I’ve finally got to the point where I wish for the easy way out at such an early age. I hate everything so much that my easy way out would mean a calamity of the most destructive consequences. I’m grateful to science for developing something that can be used to wipe ourselves off the Earth and end this miserable make-believe make-shift bullshit society. I hate that I’ve determined that there is nothing that can be fixed about the current status of humans. I hate that I wish nuclear warfare to end life and existence, dragging along other species with us that did nothing wrong. I hate that everything has started to bore me and that my basic necessity of entertainment is denied. I hate that I am continuously denied the satisfaction of righteousness in a world full of wrong-doings and facades. I hate that I can’t express my honest feeling and go about my average behavior without upsetting someone. I hate the feeling of overpopulation and over-crowdedness everyplace I go. I hate the seemingly long and judgmental gazes people give me and hate seeing people in general. I hate strangers and I hate meeting new people. I hate coming out of my comfort blanket to do new things. I hate all this noise and sorrow that have clouded my senses making me unable to recognize their counterparts. I hate trying too hard to forget but only deepening myself in the same puddle of misery I’ve been swimming in for longest while. I hate acknowledging my problems and writing about them because they should be my and mine only and for me to solve, and yet I hate being helpless regarding them. I hate asking for help just as much as I hate helping others. I hate knowing that fact that if I found someone to related, and I did, we would be both just as helpless and separated.

Now I’m just wondering and counting the days until I finally break completely. By that time I’ll either no longer care or be too insane to be able to. You all need to fuck off. Myself included.

No more dreams, only sleep.

XIII

My quest to find an intelligent life form on par with me that is willing to discuss anything continues.

There won’t be any need for that; you have me, don’t you?

Go away. I can’t even make you up properly.

Maybe if you try hard enough…

Even I don’t have enough mental capacity to simulate two people.

You seem to, though.

No, no, no. It’s not right. It’s pointless to talk to myself, I’m just throwing ideas at a brick wall, we’ll always agree.

With enough practice, you’ll be able to produce and support two different standpoints on each issue.

Maybe… After all, it’s better than nothing… But there’s nothing to discuss really.

Again with that eternal dissatisfaction. You have what to discuss, but no partner, you get a partner and you have nothing to discuss. A blank mind is very annoying. And lamenting to yourself about it doesn’t help at all. Think of something.

But I can’t.

Again with the excuses. There’s so many subjects to think about, and yet...

My mind is blank. A lost sea of despair in the middle of an empty desert. My mind reflects my status. I can’t think of anything because I don’t want to think of anything. My mental capacity is reserved for lamenting endlessly. My body longs to sleep from the minute it wakes up to the minute I close my eyes. I am tired, pissed off and fed up with all the useless work I put into each day. All the motivation wasted on waking up only to do the same menial things, day by day. And what awaits me? Death. Nothing I can be sure of, no substantial reward, but then again, why would I even be rewarded out of the countless individuals doing the same?

Because you’re special.

No I’m not. The fact I am following the same pattern even though I am aware of it shows that.

It’s because you want to stay in normality, or chose the easy way out.

That’s true. I’m too lazy to change. I always was too lazy for many things.

Was it that hard?

It’s never hard to reflect on oneself. That’s not my aim however.

Thinking about the world’s problems doesn’t solve them. Thinking about your own, might.   
I wish to cease existing.

XII

What are you doing in that dark room of yours, just sitting at the floor?
Going insane. 
Why? What's wrong?
I don't know. I never knew?
Poor confused puppy. 
I'm not.
You're talking to yourself, you must be.
I guess when you're alone enough, you develop some sort of dialogue partner.
But it's just a monologue, isn't it.
Maybe.
So, back to your concern, what is really wrong with you? With us.
How many times must I repeat myself? I don't know.
Really?
I don-... Damn it.
Yes, you're all alone. It's one of the problems, isn't it? After all, one doesn't talk to himself if he has somebody to talk to.
But there's no one who I can relate to anyway. The only person I can accept is myself.
Yes. You're the calm little centre of the Earth, aren't you?
It's not that. And after all, if it is, everyone is just self centered either way. I don't care. I don't understand their petty reasons that govern them and they don't understand the petty reasons that govern me.
I think at a large scale, they think of themselves? 
But that still doesn't make me better than them...
Did we just switch roles for a second? 
I'm going insane either way, so it doesn't really matter.
Isolated and driven out by a simple difference of cognition. In all your philosophical and thinking nature, you're still useless, weak and unhappy.
That's true, raising questions you can't have answers for has never made anyone happy. Just mad.
You're not going insane, and you're not special. You're just at an inexistent existential crisis trying to give purpose to yourself...
...When there is clearly none. The despair of not having a known trajectory. I know my limits, I know my strengths, I know my weakness, but I don't know my goal. Is there really none? Then there is no point in asking "To be or not to be?". The answers is obvious, it's not to be. But I don't want to die just to find out the answer. I'd like to convince myself that would be a waste, but it won't. Like most people, I'm just afraid of the unknown. The great unknown that is both life and death.