More complaining and depressing shit

    Some people are just sad. Some people will always feel sad and alone. I'm one of those, as you can probably already tell. I'm perfectly capable of feeling happy, but it never lasts more than a few minutes. All the sorrow I have to bury in myself just finds a way to come out, eventually. Built up and strong, too. And with no reason. I've barely any reason to be sad other than the fact that that's just how I am. I don't want to justify it with anything, I must be honest with myself. I am a sad, lonely person who just likes to complain. Who the hell wants to be around someone like that? The people that do slide by me don't know, and the people that don't matter I don't care if they do. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just want someone who I can be sad with, yes, sad with, not happy, sad with who will still accept me. Like any other human, I want to be accepted, but I am too selfish to change and I don't care enough to anyway. I just like to complain, I can always find any little thing to complain about. I don't even want a relationship, at least not a real life touchy-feely relationship. I want a thought vessel who I can complain to and who can complain to me in the same way. Not seeing each-other as people, but as thinking entities. I don't like people, I don't like the physical aspect of being social. Sometimes you just smile weird, some day you're walking funny, someday your shirt has a stain, someday you're just too rough, every other day something about you is just wrong. It's just little retarded bullshit that people make out to matter when I would love not to care about it in the slightest. But it's hard to go against majority and deal with retarded remarks each fucking time. Oh my, the stares and the little laughs, and then you check back on yourself and you see nothing wrong. I have many insecurities and they're not just that, they're things that I am part of. I don't like being ugly, but how much choice did I have in that? I don't really like being THIS weird, but again, did I really chose this? Fuck it man, why must stupid shit like this matter? I like being social just at the thought level though, I like talking to people, but not straight into their face. I don't want to look them in the eye, because that's further from perfect than just talking and I want things to be ideological and perfect because I'm scared of change. I'm scared, really,  scared that my appearance of manner would mess something up, so I'd rather just be a thinking entity to people, because in the end that's all that matters to me.
Some people are meant to be with people. And others, like me, are just different. I'd rather hide myself for the rest of my days in a small enclosed room, I don't have the need to see other people, and in all fact, I hate it because I know they don't like seeing me.

III

Long day, but my mind was busy with something else rather than thoughts.

I’ve had this craving for quite some time, which made me understand the movie ‘Nightmare before Christmas’. It’s about the individual who struggles to surpass his status and become something else. I had an unknown craving for something that would change everything and it was topped with anxiety too, out of fear of change. Something out of the ordinary, something special, something pleasant, which I in my subconscious knew was not as pleasant as I’d think. And so self defense kicked in, and I felt bad whenever I thought about it, at least after I had realized what I wanted. Why am I so attracted to such a feeling if I know I hate it? Because we always do things we hate, for the little amount of joy that they bring. Joy, happiness, it seems to be the goal of everyone’s, or at least most people’s life.

My head is empty, I can’t think straight. It want it to happen, but at the same time don’t. I yearn for it but at the same time fear it. It’s cryptic.

“Well, whatever. Go take a bath and wash away all that negativity.” Baths really do feel great. Being surrounded by warmness and yet still having full mobility and freedom feels awesome. I also heard it reminds us of the safety of the womb, you know, having no worry in the world because you are unable to think, yet you still feel it and your body remembers it. Just a theory maybe, maybe it’s fact, maybe it’s bullshit. It’s all good though. God’s in his heaven, all is good with the world.

My eyes are tired, but I don’t want to sleep. Sleep steals away such big chunks of time, it’s almost scary. And if I know I’m safe and feeling well know, why sleep it off with the uncertainty of waking up bitterly? Sure it feels rewarding to lay your head down when you’re tired, but really, just one more paragraph, 15 more minutes…

I hate questions marks. They show uncertainty and I’m a man that stands by his principles, that holds his values close. My questions are mostly rhetorical and if not, the answer can probably be found elsewhere, maybe even quicker with the aid of Google. I also hate exclamation marks as I am not hot blooded enough to yell out my thoughts. I’ll just gently voice them out and end it with a full stop.