XIII

My quest to find an intelligent life form on par with me that is willing to discuss anything continues.

There won’t be any need for that; you have me, don’t you?

Go away. I can’t even make you up properly.

Maybe if you try hard enough…

Even I don’t have enough mental capacity to simulate two people.

You seem to, though.

No, no, no. It’s not right. It’s pointless to talk to myself, I’m just throwing ideas at a brick wall, we’ll always agree.

With enough practice, you’ll be able to produce and support two different standpoints on each issue.

Maybe… After all, it’s better than nothing… But there’s nothing to discuss really.

Again with that eternal dissatisfaction. You have what to discuss, but no partner, you get a partner and you have nothing to discuss. A blank mind is very annoying. And lamenting to yourself about it doesn’t help at all. Think of something.

But I can’t.

Again with the excuses. There’s so many subjects to think about, and yet...

My mind is blank. A lost sea of despair in the middle of an empty desert. My mind reflects my status. I can’t think of anything because I don’t want to think of anything. My mental capacity is reserved for lamenting endlessly. My body longs to sleep from the minute it wakes up to the minute I close my eyes. I am tired, pissed off and fed up with all the useless work I put into each day. All the motivation wasted on waking up only to do the same menial things, day by day. And what awaits me? Death. Nothing I can be sure of, no substantial reward, but then again, why would I even be rewarded out of the countless individuals doing the same?

Because you’re special.

No I’m not. The fact I am following the same pattern even though I am aware of it shows that.

It’s because you want to stay in normality, or chose the easy way out.

That’s true. I’m too lazy to change. I always was too lazy for many things.

Was it that hard?

It’s never hard to reflect on oneself. That’s not my aim however.

Thinking about the world’s problems doesn’t solve them. Thinking about your own, might.   
I wish to cease existing.

XII

What are you doing in that dark room of yours, just sitting at the floor?
Going insane. 
Why? What's wrong?
I don't know. I never knew?
Poor confused puppy. 
I'm not.
You're talking to yourself, you must be.
I guess when you're alone enough, you develop some sort of dialogue partner.
But it's just a monologue, isn't it.
Maybe.
So, back to your concern, what is really wrong with you? With us.
How many times must I repeat myself? I don't know.
Really?
I don-... Damn it.
Yes, you're all alone. It's one of the problems, isn't it? After all, one doesn't talk to himself if he has somebody to talk to.
But there's no one who I can relate to anyway. The only person I can accept is myself.
Yes. You're the calm little centre of the Earth, aren't you?
It's not that. And after all, if it is, everyone is just self centered either way. I don't care. I don't understand their petty reasons that govern them and they don't understand the petty reasons that govern me.
I think at a large scale, they think of themselves? 
But that still doesn't make me better than them...
Did we just switch roles for a second? 
I'm going insane either way, so it doesn't really matter.
Isolated and driven out by a simple difference of cognition. In all your philosophical and thinking nature, you're still useless, weak and unhappy.
That's true, raising questions you can't have answers for has never made anyone happy. Just mad.
You're not going insane, and you're not special. You're just at an inexistent existential crisis trying to give purpose to yourself...
...When there is clearly none. The despair of not having a known trajectory. I know my limits, I know my strengths, I know my weakness, but I don't know my goal. Is there really none? Then there is no point in asking "To be or not to be?". The answers is obvious, it's not to be. But I don't want to die just to find out the answer. I'd like to convince myself that would be a waste, but it won't. Like most people, I'm just afraid of the unknown. The great unknown that is both life and death.