III

Long day, but my mind was busy with something else rather than thoughts.

I’ve had this craving for quite some time, which made me understand the movie ‘Nightmare before Christmas’. It’s about the individual who struggles to surpass his status and become something else. I had an unknown craving for something that would change everything and it was topped with anxiety too, out of fear of change. Something out of the ordinary, something special, something pleasant, which I in my subconscious knew was not as pleasant as I’d think. And so self defense kicked in, and I felt bad whenever I thought about it, at least after I had realized what I wanted. Why am I so attracted to such a feeling if I know I hate it? Because we always do things we hate, for the little amount of joy that they bring. Joy, happiness, it seems to be the goal of everyone’s, or at least most people’s life.

My head is empty, I can’t think straight. It want it to happen, but at the same time don’t. I yearn for it but at the same time fear it. It’s cryptic.

“Well, whatever. Go take a bath and wash away all that negativity.” Baths really do feel great. Being surrounded by warmness and yet still having full mobility and freedom feels awesome. I also heard it reminds us of the safety of the womb, you know, having no worry in the world because you are unable to think, yet you still feel it and your body remembers it. Just a theory maybe, maybe it’s fact, maybe it’s bullshit. It’s all good though. God’s in his heaven, all is good with the world.

My eyes are tired, but I don’t want to sleep. Sleep steals away such big chunks of time, it’s almost scary. And if I know I’m safe and feeling well know, why sleep it off with the uncertainty of waking up bitterly? Sure it feels rewarding to lay your head down when you’re tired, but really, just one more paragraph, 15 more minutes…

I hate questions marks. They show uncertainty and I’m a man that stands by his principles, that holds his values close. My questions are mostly rhetorical and if not, the answer can probably be found elsewhere, maybe even quicker with the aid of Google. I also hate exclamation marks as I am not hot blooded enough to yell out my thoughts. I’ll just gently voice them out and end it with a full stop.