XXII

       A blank slate. A new day. Another night of missed sleep. Another conquest and battle for the truth. Nothing matters though, and there still is no reason to seek it, yet I still do. It's fun, entertaining and interesting, and that's the only thing that keeps me safe from the horror of boredom. Have I reached an answer? Is it possible to? Should I contain emotion or completely wipe it out? Is either of those possible? Questions. An endless stream of them rush to me, seeking an answer, just like all the others. I'm guessing strictly emotionless human behaviour is improbable without extensive conditioning from early on, but it still might be a possibility. What would Tyler Durden do? Would he encourage rationality or sentimentality and which one does really benefit anyone? I'm sure both are beneficial and detrimental to us, individually or on a large scale and it's hard to weight in which one is better. Many good things are emotionally drive and many bad things alike. Though, rationality doesn't endorse self-damaging behaviour. I'd like to believe rationality is what is most beneficial for an emotionally unstable individual like me. I have nothing and I have everything, yet I am nothing and nothing more. Just another contradiction, I tell myself, and learn to live on with it, in time. Add it to the pile. Who am I even? I don't...hm. Maybe I am just really flexible and twist around to mould to the people I surround myself with? When's the last time I acted a way because I felt like it and not for someone else? It must have been at least a month ago. I want that to stop, and I want to do things for myself only. I don't want to care for anyone, not even myself. I can't accept anyone, no matter how close they come to perfection because they will always have flaws. I can't accept myself much, seeing the piles upon piles I've gathered, but the difference between me and other people is that I can choose who to talk to but I can't detach my conscience from the flesh I am. I want to never care for anyone else and I am sure I am able to, to never give one iota of feeling for anything other than enjoyment of entertainment. It's the only thing I want to be concerned, the well being and entertainment of myself and I should not care at what price it comes from people I may or may not have cared or care. It's a hard decision to take, but it must be taken in order to be my true self-centred selfish self.
          I do not fear death but have no wish to live. I don't wish to die, either. What the hell do I want? To be entertained. It seems to have surfaced many times as my predominant motivational factor. Entertainment of any sorts, I could say, drives everything I do. I don't want money in large sums, I do not wish for women or friends. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to live "high" on life or any substance. I simply want to be entertained and the sole reason I exist is to entertain myself. The aggravating part is that people seem to get caught in that existence, people that want to or force themselves into it. People I end up liking and disliking at the same time. People from which I have to break free, should I wish to be free to be the real me, because the only time I can be the real me is isolated from all contact from people I would ever care about.
           It's really annoying how little choice we have regarding where, how, when and to who we are born, who we meet and what we become in time, therefore, man will always seek freedom. The only reward that comes from that is the delusional idea of freedom, a concept which cannot exist to the absolute for anything that was ever born, simply because they didn't choose to get born. They might agree to it, but it's not the same. Or maybe I am wrong and we do choose to be born? Everything is possible, which is why the search for truth is so difficult. It's not an easy task to discern between apparent truth and actual truth, and even then the very standards by which we judge might be flawed. With that said, perfect rationality doesn't exist either. Just a few of the reasons why I am bothered by the fact I exist to think these paradoxical thoughts.

IX

In Glaucon’s challenge to Socrates he imposes the fact that humans are evil by nature but only abide to law because of fear of consequence. In a manner of the stupid character representing the opposite of the opinion of the author, Glaucon’s words are, of course, disregarded, but when you think about it really, nowadays society proves otherwise. People are assholes left and right and you have to deal with it. You either become a rug for everyone to step on or another asshole, there’s no real mid ground here.

That just leaves on question: What is conscience? It’s not fact, but an opinion of mine (like I’d relay anything else here) that it’s another species self preserving mechanism. We can’t kill/steal from each other without feeling guilt because we are interfering with natural selection and fucking up the species. It doesn’t manifest as much for other species because it’s an inner species thing more. I could be wrong, as always.

It seems that every passing day I discover that the values I believed in are not present in my life. Affection is definitely not present, fairness is nowhere to be seen, equality is inexistent, intelligence is on the verge of extinction. All’s left seems to be friendship and oddly enough I/time/people seem to be severing ties more and more. Oh well, I hope nothing pushes me over the edge as long as I half self preservation and music.

III

Long day, but my mind was busy with something else rather than thoughts.

I’ve had this craving for quite some time, which made me understand the movie ‘Nightmare before Christmas’. It’s about the individual who struggles to surpass his status and become something else. I had an unknown craving for something that would change everything and it was topped with anxiety too, out of fear of change. Something out of the ordinary, something special, something pleasant, which I in my subconscious knew was not as pleasant as I’d think. And so self defense kicked in, and I felt bad whenever I thought about it, at least after I had realized what I wanted. Why am I so attracted to such a feeling if I know I hate it? Because we always do things we hate, for the little amount of joy that they bring. Joy, happiness, it seems to be the goal of everyone’s, or at least most people’s life.

My head is empty, I can’t think straight. It want it to happen, but at the same time don’t. I yearn for it but at the same time fear it. It’s cryptic.

“Well, whatever. Go take a bath and wash away all that negativity.” Baths really do feel great. Being surrounded by warmness and yet still having full mobility and freedom feels awesome. I also heard it reminds us of the safety of the womb, you know, having no worry in the world because you are unable to think, yet you still feel it and your body remembers it. Just a theory maybe, maybe it’s fact, maybe it’s bullshit. It’s all good though. God’s in his heaven, all is good with the world.

My eyes are tired, but I don’t want to sleep. Sleep steals away such big chunks of time, it’s almost scary. And if I know I’m safe and feeling well know, why sleep it off with the uncertainty of waking up bitterly? Sure it feels rewarding to lay your head down when you’re tired, but really, just one more paragraph, 15 more minutes…

I hate questions marks. They show uncertainty and I’m a man that stands by his principles, that holds his values close. My questions are mostly rhetorical and if not, the answer can probably be found elsewhere, maybe even quicker with the aid of Google. I also hate exclamation marks as I am not hot blooded enough to yell out my thoughts. I’ll just gently voice them out and end it with a full stop.