Some people are just sad. Some people will always feel sad and alone. I'm one of those, as you can probably already tell. I'm perfectly capable of feeling happy, but it never lasts more than a few minutes. All the sorrow I have to bury in myself just finds a way to come out, eventually. Built up and strong, too. And with no reason. I've barely any reason to be sad other than the fact that that's just how I am. I don't want to justify it with anything, I must be honest with myself. I am a sad, lonely person who just likes to complain. Who the hell wants to be around someone like that? The people that do slide by me don't know, and the people that don't matter I don't care if they do. I don't know what I want. Maybe I just want someone who I can be sad with, yes, sad with, not happy, sad with who will still accept me. Like any other human, I want to be accepted, but I am too selfish to change and I don't care enough to anyway. I just like to complain, I can always find any little thing to complain about. I don't even want a relationship, at least not a real life touchy-feely relationship. I want a thought vessel who I can complain to and who can complain to me in the same way. Not seeing each-other as people, but as thinking entities. I don't like people, I don't like the physical aspect of being social. Sometimes you just smile weird, some day you're walking funny, someday your shirt has a stain, someday you're just too rough, every other day something about you is just wrong. It's just little retarded bullshit that people make out to matter when I would love not to care about it in the slightest. But it's hard to go against majority and deal with retarded remarks each fucking time. Oh my, the stares and the little laughs, and then you check back on yourself and you see nothing wrong. I have many insecurities and they're not just that, they're things that I am part of. I don't like being ugly, but how much choice did I have in that? I don't really like being THIS weird, but again, did I really chose this? Fuck it man, why must stupid shit like this matter? I like being social just at the thought level though, I like talking to people, but not straight into their face. I don't want to look them in the eye, because that's further from perfect than just talking and I want things to be ideological and perfect because I'm scared of change. I'm scared, really, scared that my appearance of manner would mess something up, so I'd rather just be a thinking entity to people, because in the end that's all that matters to me.
Some people are meant to be with people. And others, like me, are just different. I'd rather hide myself for the rest of my days in a small enclosed room, I don't have the need to see other people, and in all fact, I hate it because I know they don't like seeing me.
Showing posts with label myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label myself. Show all posts
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
XXIV
Who I am, an objective analysis.
I'm not to tall, not to short, though maybe shorter than the usual guy. I'm 5'7" , or in normal people measuring systems, 167 cm. Though I am not sure how much I weigh, I am generally skinny-regular build, with a bit more fat around my stomach. I do have a bit of muscle on my legs and arms, probably from ages of "handy" work.
My face has several imperfections, ranging from eyebags that are starting to expand up to the side, some weird creases on my cheeks, just under the cheek bones and two bumps under my mouth from when I was hit in the face with a swing. That probably messed up a bit one of my front teeth as well. I have a pretty large nose. My hair is way too puffy when freshly washed, but generally looks decent after a few days. Both my eyes and hair are dark brown. I sport a trimmed goatee, though I plan to let it just grow.
I tend to walk in a nervous manner, sometimes staring at the ground, maybe slightly haunched. Whenever I feel that people are watching me, my walking gets even more awkward and stressed. I don't generally look at people in the eye, especially if I don't know them, avoiding eye contact at most times. I have a bit of trouble hearing, so usually I have people repeat things until I get them right or just assume I did so the first time. My eyes are pretty bad too, I wear distance glasses. I can see fine up close, but further than maybe 5 meters I start having trouble reading signs and posts. I get tired easily when running or any other heavy oxygen intake thing, one of my nostrils being blocked off by a mixture of cartilage.
I eat very little each day, sometimes just one meal, sometimes just a bunch of snacks. I do not care for healthy food, I eat based on what I feel like tasting and judge foods on taste only.
I am a very lazy person, up to the point that I pick doing everything at the last moment. I do things half-assed. I don't pour much effort into what I'm doing. I do not like meeting new people at all, and dislike being around people in general. I don't want to indulge in human interaction at all, but at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to talk. I also have an immense craving for affection to contradict my dislike of people. It's maybe because I grew up receiving very little affection. Could be because I am stupid enough to believe in the concept of love. I dislike change in general, if you already found something that works, you better stick to it. It's hard, even for me, to understand how I act around people. I guess to most people I know, I have another side that takes something from their personality to adapt to them easier. I tend to try to make jokes, most of which are not really amusing. I am introverted and highly opinionated. I would rather not speak most of the time. When I do say something, it usually turns into a disagreement argument which I either win or just verbally beat up the other person until they give up. The two friends with which I used to walk home from school had a policy of not arguing with me on account of the fact they'd always lose. I have few friends, most of which are based on mutual interest for video games, playing them together and occasionally eating/drinking out. I can count 7 or 8 people in the category.
I am not very creative, thought sometimes I do get a good idea which I fail to translate properly into a drawing, considering I was too lazy to ever improve my technique. I find writing much easier than drawing, though I know most of the time what I am typing isn't interesting at all.
I view my principles highly, but I am too stupid at times to respect them. These are probably the only positive things I find about myself. I value honesty, honour and fairness very much.
I have been told many times that I am smart, regarding academic pursuit, though I do not agree. My memory had and has the tendency to remember important things straight out from classes, so I seldom had the need to study. Other than that, I am pretty dumb and would rather know theoretical things rather than practical ones.
All I do all day is mostly sit inside. I play video games and surf the internet generally. Other than this, I will maybe draw or write. The only times I step out of the house is where beer or pizza are mentioned and when I have to do something I can't avoid.
I come off as a negative person, but it's something I'd like to call realism. I always expect the worse because with expecting the worse your disposition can only go up or stay steady rather than fall.
There is probably a lot more to say, but for now that's all I can think of. Maybe I'll continue some other time. As a short summary, I am an ugly, short, skinnyfat awkward antisocial moron. The irony of writing this is that I am listening to a song titled "I am perfection" while doing it. I thought that was kind of funny.
My face has several imperfections, ranging from eyebags that are starting to expand up to the side, some weird creases on my cheeks, just under the cheek bones and two bumps under my mouth from when I was hit in the face with a swing. That probably messed up a bit one of my front teeth as well. I have a pretty large nose. My hair is way too puffy when freshly washed, but generally looks decent after a few days. Both my eyes and hair are dark brown. I sport a trimmed goatee, though I plan to let it just grow.
I tend to walk in a nervous manner, sometimes staring at the ground, maybe slightly haunched. Whenever I feel that people are watching me, my walking gets even more awkward and stressed. I don't generally look at people in the eye, especially if I don't know them, avoiding eye contact at most times. I have a bit of trouble hearing, so usually I have people repeat things until I get them right or just assume I did so the first time. My eyes are pretty bad too, I wear distance glasses. I can see fine up close, but further than maybe 5 meters I start having trouble reading signs and posts. I get tired easily when running or any other heavy oxygen intake thing, one of my nostrils being blocked off by a mixture of cartilage.
I eat very little each day, sometimes just one meal, sometimes just a bunch of snacks. I do not care for healthy food, I eat based on what I feel like tasting and judge foods on taste only.
I am a very lazy person, up to the point that I pick doing everything at the last moment. I do things half-assed. I don't pour much effort into what I'm doing. I do not like meeting new people at all, and dislike being around people in general. I don't want to indulge in human interaction at all, but at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to talk. I also have an immense craving for affection to contradict my dislike of people. It's maybe because I grew up receiving very little affection. Could be because I am stupid enough to believe in the concept of love. I dislike change in general, if you already found something that works, you better stick to it. It's hard, even for me, to understand how I act around people. I guess to most people I know, I have another side that takes something from their personality to adapt to them easier. I tend to try to make jokes, most of which are not really amusing. I am introverted and highly opinionated. I would rather not speak most of the time. When I do say something, it usually turns into a disagreement argument which I either win or just verbally beat up the other person until they give up. The two friends with which I used to walk home from school had a policy of not arguing with me on account of the fact they'd always lose. I have few friends, most of which are based on mutual interest for video games, playing them together and occasionally eating/drinking out. I can count 7 or 8 people in the category.
I am not very creative, thought sometimes I do get a good idea which I fail to translate properly into a drawing, considering I was too lazy to ever improve my technique. I find writing much easier than drawing, though I know most of the time what I am typing isn't interesting at all.
I view my principles highly, but I am too stupid at times to respect them. These are probably the only positive things I find about myself. I value honesty, honour and fairness very much.
I have been told many times that I am smart, regarding academic pursuit, though I do not agree. My memory had and has the tendency to remember important things straight out from classes, so I seldom had the need to study. Other than that, I am pretty dumb and would rather know theoretical things rather than practical ones.
All I do all day is mostly sit inside. I play video games and surf the internet generally. Other than this, I will maybe draw or write. The only times I step out of the house is where beer or pizza are mentioned and when I have to do something I can't avoid.
I come off as a negative person, but it's something I'd like to call realism. I always expect the worse because with expecting the worse your disposition can only go up or stay steady rather than fall.
There is probably a lot more to say, but for now that's all I can think of. Maybe I'll continue some other time. As a short summary, I am an ugly, short, skinnyfat awkward antisocial moron. The irony of writing this is that I am listening to a song titled "I am perfection" while doing it. I thought that was kind of funny.
Friday, July 27, 2012
XXIII
I wish to write thousands upon thousands of words to paint hundreds upon hundreds of pictures, but I adhere to the phrase "quality over quantity" if only in principle. How many things have I to say that I've not yet spoken of? I dread the moment I start repeating myself. It escapes my memory whether I have mentioned or not before of my resent for fools that claim as theirs the achievement of others. "Look how much we've built, how high we reached". We? We, my good friend, have no participation into said heights and claiming to do so is just a further example of our own ignorance. It is no longer a claim over nationality or vicinity, but a claim over humanity as a whole. Why do these buffoons feel the need to justify their petty existence by associating with things that are largely viewed as great? It is because they are unable to do anything of their own, one would be lead to think.
I really do love seeing my pursuit of knowledge being fulfilled ever since I had the pleasure of picking it up. It's not everyday that I learn or figure something, but every so often when I do it does bring me satisfaction. Thought my knowledge and experience might be limited, I do hope that what I stumble upon is the truth, and even if that is not the case, thought my opinion matters most to me, I am able to change it provided better solid reasoning is provided. I know and accept that I am subject to the flaws I criticize, that including being wrong. But it's not that which I dislike, but rather the denial of compelling proof that irks me.
Though I am not fond of extremes, there are some in which my mind would rather I fall into. One of these is my view on life. Were it my way, I would either cease to exist or gain immortal life. Immortality offers the possibility to forever continue my quest for truth which has become so important to me, as well as ceaseless entertainment. Lack of existence brings peace to my thoughts, though I can not be sure how it would "be". I do not wish to be subjected to physical pain, hunger and all other things concerning mortality, defects of the mind are much more pleasant.
I do not know if it's hasty to make this statement, but it would seem honesty and honour are also becoming fictional concepts. Further thought proves that they always were, part of the illusion of greatness we attribute the human mind to. Vile, greedy, disgusting and stupid are concepts which define it rather better than qualities. Qualities of the mind, come to think of it, are compensation for lack of physical ones. It almost seems an artificial process of developing them to spite nature, but at the same time it has to be natural, right?
I am already tired of mentioning each time that all I say must be taken in relative terms, but it is how it is. Whether it is my limited experience or the sheer amount of different possibilities that human mentality has at it's disposal, I cannot say that everything is available for everyone. Even my most prized remark, "everyone is stupid" could be knocked as relative. It just hasn't yet.
Disposability. It is amazing how actually disposable to your life people are and how much we act as if they're not. It's another leftover mechanism. In hunter-gathering times, tribes or packs of humans were present in limited numbers and spread out. Thus, if you couldn't make friends with who you had close then you would be in a great amount of trouble, and had little chance of surviving. Care for close individuals is a mechanism to keep the pack together, but look at us. There are so many of us with numerous similar copies of each-other existing. You are free to mess up social relationships as many times as you want, you probably will never actually mess up 7 billion times.
I really do love seeing my pursuit of knowledge being fulfilled ever since I had the pleasure of picking it up. It's not everyday that I learn or figure something, but every so often when I do it does bring me satisfaction. Thought my knowledge and experience might be limited, I do hope that what I stumble upon is the truth, and even if that is not the case, thought my opinion matters most to me, I am able to change it provided better solid reasoning is provided. I know and accept that I am subject to the flaws I criticize, that including being wrong. But it's not that which I dislike, but rather the denial of compelling proof that irks me.
Though I am not fond of extremes, there are some in which my mind would rather I fall into. One of these is my view on life. Were it my way, I would either cease to exist or gain immortal life. Immortality offers the possibility to forever continue my quest for truth which has become so important to me, as well as ceaseless entertainment. Lack of existence brings peace to my thoughts, though I can not be sure how it would "be". I do not wish to be subjected to physical pain, hunger and all other things concerning mortality, defects of the mind are much more pleasant.
I do not know if it's hasty to make this statement, but it would seem honesty and honour are also becoming fictional concepts. Further thought proves that they always were, part of the illusion of greatness we attribute the human mind to. Vile, greedy, disgusting and stupid are concepts which define it rather better than qualities. Qualities of the mind, come to think of it, are compensation for lack of physical ones. It almost seems an artificial process of developing them to spite nature, but at the same time it has to be natural, right?
I am already tired of mentioning each time that all I say must be taken in relative terms, but it is how it is. Whether it is my limited experience or the sheer amount of different possibilities that human mentality has at it's disposal, I cannot say that everything is available for everyone. Even my most prized remark, "everyone is stupid" could be knocked as relative. It just hasn't yet.
Disposability. It is amazing how actually disposable to your life people are and how much we act as if they're not. It's another leftover mechanism. In hunter-gathering times, tribes or packs of humans were present in limited numbers and spread out. Thus, if you couldn't make friends with who you had close then you would be in a great amount of trouble, and had little chance of surviving. Care for close individuals is a mechanism to keep the pack together, but look at us. There are so many of us with numerous similar copies of each-other existing. You are free to mess up social relationships as many times as you want, you probably will never actually mess up 7 billion times.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
XXII
A blank slate. A new day. Another night of missed sleep. Another conquest and battle for the truth. Nothing matters though, and there still is no reason to seek it, yet I still do. It's fun, entertaining and interesting, and that's the only thing that keeps me safe from the horror of boredom. Have I reached an answer? Is it possible to? Should I contain emotion or completely wipe it out? Is either of those possible? Questions. An endless stream of them rush to me, seeking an answer, just like all the others. I'm guessing strictly emotionless human behaviour is improbable without extensive conditioning from early on, but it still might be a possibility. What would Tyler Durden do? Would he encourage rationality or sentimentality and which one does really benefit anyone? I'm sure both are beneficial and detrimental to us, individually or on a large scale and it's hard to weight in which one is better. Many good things are emotionally drive and many bad things alike. Though, rationality doesn't endorse self-damaging behaviour. I'd like to believe rationality is what is most beneficial for an emotionally unstable individual like me. I have nothing and I have everything, yet I am nothing and nothing more. Just another contradiction, I tell myself, and learn to live on with it, in time. Add it to the pile. Who am I even? I don't...hm. Maybe I am just really flexible and twist around to mould to the people I surround myself with? When's the last time I acted a way because I felt like it and not for someone else? It must have been at least a month ago. I want that to stop, and I want to do things for myself only. I don't want to care for anyone, not even myself. I can't accept anyone, no matter how close they come to perfection because they will always have flaws. I can't accept myself much, seeing the piles upon piles I've gathered, but the difference between me and other people is that I can choose who to talk to but I can't detach my conscience from the flesh I am. I want to never care for anyone else and I am sure I am able to, to never give one iota of feeling for anything other than enjoyment of entertainment. It's the only thing I want to be concerned, the well being and entertainment of myself and I should not care at what price it comes from people I may or may not have cared or care. It's a hard decision to take, but it must be taken in order to be my true self-centred selfish self.
I do not fear death but have no wish to live. I don't wish to die, either. What the hell do I want? To be entertained. It seems to have surfaced many times as my predominant motivational factor. Entertainment of any sorts, I could say, drives everything I do. I don't want money in large sums, I do not wish for women or friends. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to live "high" on life or any substance. I simply want to be entertained and the sole reason I exist is to entertain myself. The aggravating part is that people seem to get caught in that existence, people that want to or force themselves into it. People I end up liking and disliking at the same time. People from which I have to break free, should I wish to be free to be the real me, because the only time I can be the real me is isolated from all contact from people I would ever care about.
It's really annoying how little choice we have regarding where, how, when and to who we are born, who we meet and what we become in time, therefore, man will always seek freedom. The only reward that comes from that is the delusional idea of freedom, a concept which cannot exist to the absolute for anything that was ever born, simply because they didn't choose to get born. They might agree to it, but it's not the same. Or maybe I am wrong and we do choose to be born? Everything is possible, which is why the search for truth is so difficult. It's not an easy task to discern between apparent truth and actual truth, and even then the very standards by which we judge might be flawed. With that said, perfect rationality doesn't exist either. Just a few of the reasons why I am bothered by the fact I exist to think these paradoxical thoughts.
I do not fear death but have no wish to live. I don't wish to die, either. What the hell do I want? To be entertained. It seems to have surfaced many times as my predominant motivational factor. Entertainment of any sorts, I could say, drives everything I do. I don't want money in large sums, I do not wish for women or friends. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to live "high" on life or any substance. I simply want to be entertained and the sole reason I exist is to entertain myself. The aggravating part is that people seem to get caught in that existence, people that want to or force themselves into it. People I end up liking and disliking at the same time. People from which I have to break free, should I wish to be free to be the real me, because the only time I can be the real me is isolated from all contact from people I would ever care about.
It's really annoying how little choice we have regarding where, how, when and to who we are born, who we meet and what we become in time, therefore, man will always seek freedom. The only reward that comes from that is the delusional idea of freedom, a concept which cannot exist to the absolute for anything that was ever born, simply because they didn't choose to get born. They might agree to it, but it's not the same. Or maybe I am wrong and we do choose to be born? Everything is possible, which is why the search for truth is so difficult. It's not an easy task to discern between apparent truth and actual truth, and even then the very standards by which we judge might be flawed. With that said, perfect rationality doesn't exist either. Just a few of the reasons why I am bothered by the fact I exist to think these paradoxical thoughts.
Friday, July 13, 2012
XXI
I find myself utterly despicable. Pathetic, lazy, unproductive, silly and many more. It seems that insults just lose meaning when you throw them at yourself don't they? It seems they do have a greater impact when somebody else tells it to you. By insults I guess I mean truths, really. I'm a pretty shy guy, socially awkward even. So whenever I am just walking around and get these long weird gazes at me I start feeling insecure. I sometimes wish I could tell what people are thinking, you know, read their minds so I can tell whether they're judging me properly or not. I know I am ugly and weird to the first sight, but damn, I didn't think it was really that bad. Or maybe that's just how people are? They just stare around a bunch and observe other people out of curiosity? I do that too. The most I tend to see is that they usually size you up, especially stopping at the shoes. Are we seriously shallow enough to judge people by the brand of shoes they wear or am I just drawing a hasty conclusion?
I don't want to stand out but I'd never cut my hear short and wear whatever is "fashionable" because it just seems like a load of sparkly flamboyant shit to me. Nobody considers clothes actually being useful, and it just seems to be made to draw attention. After all, that is what fashion has become, a cry for attention. But if they're all screaming for attention at each other, who's gonna stop and give it to them? And on the note of usefulness, weren't clothes developed with the idea of protection? As in warm in the winter, cold in the summer, whatever in-between? With this in mid, the other day I see some girl wearing considerably long fur boots. And it's 35 C outside. A bunch of crazy people I tell you. Whatever happened to respectable men wearing watches and glasses as useful accessories? Now every guy I see is just wearing a bazillion bracelets, earrings, random metal on their face. What the hell man? Fuck.
I just wear some simple shirt, some simple pants, decent shoes good for both running and walking and maybe, sometimes, a watch. My hair just feels good and natural to be long, and I've had a respect for older cultures like the Norse one in which some men had long hair.
And that's where my creative juice stops flowing.
I don't want to stand out but I'd never cut my hear short and wear whatever is "fashionable" because it just seems like a load of sparkly flamboyant shit to me. Nobody considers clothes actually being useful, and it just seems to be made to draw attention. After all, that is what fashion has become, a cry for attention. But if they're all screaming for attention at each other, who's gonna stop and give it to them? And on the note of usefulness, weren't clothes developed with the idea of protection? As in warm in the winter, cold in the summer, whatever in-between? With this in mid, the other day I see some girl wearing considerably long fur boots. And it's 35 C outside. A bunch of crazy people I tell you. Whatever happened to respectable men wearing watches and glasses as useful accessories? Now every guy I see is just wearing a bazillion bracelets, earrings, random metal on their face. What the hell man? Fuck.
I just wear some simple shirt, some simple pants, decent shoes good for both running and walking and maybe, sometimes, a watch. My hair just feels good and natural to be long, and I've had a respect for older cultures like the Norse one in which some men had long hair.
And that's where my creative juice stops flowing.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Spilling some soul, my bad.
Why do I get sad? Because life keeps dangling happiness in front of me, carrot on a stick style. I think this is actually what motivates some people, because they can't see the string or the stick and don't realise they'll never catch up with it.
Why do I get sad? Because I've grown accustomed to it. It's what I am. I am sorrowful angry and hateful person. It's what I've become and I can't care enough to change because no matter how sad you get it never hurts you physically. So there's never a reason to stop being sad other than the fact that it's unpleasant.
Why do I get sad? Because I've very little and spread out reasons to be happy. I could be happy, I could bury the sorrow away, but it would be a part of me that I am burying and forgetting. And feelings without a reason are as empty as it can get.
Why do I get sad? Because I am selfish and want everything to be good. Because it's rare for things to happen the way I want them to and my wish extends over to forces and beings I have no control over. Being selfish makes you believe you are entitled to be happy.
Why do I get sad? Because I see things that are wrong which I can't fix. I notice mistakes made in large scale, hypocrisy, deception, delusion and lies that, in the view of a honest man, have no reason to be part of the world. Sincerity is losing the battle to greed.
Why do I get sad? Because I let that feeling linger. I live with it, and sometimes, to be honest, it feels good to feel sad. Specifically, when it's the only feeling I can feel justified, and the only feeling I have under my comfort blanket.
Why do I get sad? Because despite all the armour I've built for myself, you can never wear something protective enough. There's always a little slit somewhere where someone can just stick their knife in. And blood rusts armour.It's because I'm proven time and time again I am still weak enough to depend on other people and dumb enough to get attached.
Why do I get sad? Because I am lonely and we are hard wired to feel sad alongside being lonely. And I am lonely because of a plethora of reasons. I am not attractive. I am not social. I am not creative. I am not likeable. The only times I can be funny is when I reference somebody else's joke or emulate some funny behaviour. And in reality, the only kind of person that would like me would either have to lie to themselves or just be the same. And -1+ (-1) =! 2.
Why do I get sad? Because I believe in concepts that only exist in fiction. Because I've been convinced to believe in concepts such as true love and honour.
Why do I get sad? Because I am a useless, broken, talentless, purposeless, deluded, dumb, pathetic, weak piece of shit.
Addendum : I never said I didn't want to be sad, but I never said I didn't want to be happy. And I'm guessing being happy is better. I don't know.
Why do I get sad? Because I've grown accustomed to it. It's what I am. I am sorrowful angry and hateful person. It's what I've become and I can't care enough to change because no matter how sad you get it never hurts you physically. So there's never a reason to stop being sad other than the fact that it's unpleasant.
Why do I get sad? Because I've very little and spread out reasons to be happy. I could be happy, I could bury the sorrow away, but it would be a part of me that I am burying and forgetting. And feelings without a reason are as empty as it can get.
Why do I get sad? Because I am selfish and want everything to be good. Because it's rare for things to happen the way I want them to and my wish extends over to forces and beings I have no control over. Being selfish makes you believe you are entitled to be happy.
Why do I get sad? Because I see things that are wrong which I can't fix. I notice mistakes made in large scale, hypocrisy, deception, delusion and lies that, in the view of a honest man, have no reason to be part of the world. Sincerity is losing the battle to greed.
Why do I get sad? Because I let that feeling linger. I live with it, and sometimes, to be honest, it feels good to feel sad. Specifically, when it's the only feeling I can feel justified, and the only feeling I have under my comfort blanket.
Why do I get sad? Because despite all the armour I've built for myself, you can never wear something protective enough. There's always a little slit somewhere where someone can just stick their knife in. And blood rusts armour.It's because I'm proven time and time again I am still weak enough to depend on other people and dumb enough to get attached.
Why do I get sad? Because I am lonely and we are hard wired to feel sad alongside being lonely. And I am lonely because of a plethora of reasons. I am not attractive. I am not social. I am not creative. I am not likeable. The only times I can be funny is when I reference somebody else's joke or emulate some funny behaviour. And in reality, the only kind of person that would like me would either have to lie to themselves or just be the same. And -1+ (-1) =! 2.
Why do I get sad? Because I believe in concepts that only exist in fiction. Because I've been convinced to believe in concepts such as true love and honour.
Why do I get sad? Because I am a useless, broken, talentless, purposeless, deluded, dumb, pathetic, weak piece of shit.
Addendum : I never said I didn't want to be sad, but I never said I didn't want to be happy. And I'm guessing being happy is better. I don't know.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
X
In a random rush 5 minutes after I sat down, someone patted my shoulder and pulled me off my bus seat so that some old woman could stay in it. And I just went along without thinking. Probably because I need to grow a pair, because the bitch who did this sat her 40 cm tall baby on the seat next to her like she couldn’t just hold him in her arms to free a seat. I hate small children and the elderly, and I always did. I do realize I was small and I will eventually grow old, but when I was small I wasn’t a spazzy noisy spoiled piece of shit, and I won’t smell like shit and litter the streets walking slowly and getting in everyone’s way when I’ll be old. I need to grow some balls and actually say what I think.
‘Life’s too short to complicate’? No, it isn’t. To say something like that you have to have a weak notion of time, because life is the longest thing you get to actually do. Just saying, I know it’s a metaphor. But it’s not like because I don’t go out as much I don’t live my life. The only case in which you aren’t living is when you’re not. I mean being dead, of course. I do like getting drunk and dancing and all that crap, just not every Friday night. I just like a quiet evening, a beer, a talk, the good stuff.
‘A gentleman will walk but never run’. Some people are the right people at the wrong time, some the wrong people at the right time. Sometimes I feel like the wrong person at the wrong time. If I were to chose a place to be born, as stereotypical as it is, I’d chose either Victorian England or 70’s England. I know the conditions aren’t as great, but I just like those cultural ages. I’d probably change my ideas if I’d have actually lived in those times, but then again it’s the human condition: always displeased with the things you have. If it’s winter it’s too cold, if it’s summer, too hot. If you’re rich you’re unhappy, if you’re poor you’re struggling to survive. I’ve talked about this before, but extremes are always bad. Also depriving yourself of something and giving it back after a while brings happiness. We should alternate our lifestyles to be happier, maybe. Maybe. Mayb’.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I
And so the movie (Good Will Hunting) ends with one of those bullshit love and good conquer all. But that's not how it happens. That's not how life works. It always ends badly. You go through life with a moderate amount of pleasant events and a load of other unpleasant ones and then what happens? You die. Some kind of reward that is. But wait, apparently there is a reward! If you're all nice and gullible you go to a awesome eternal peacefulness plane called 'Heaven'. Not only did we need to come up with an explanation for our existence, but we also had to think of some bullshit way to punish those who do not believe the fairy tales we've come up with.
But enough on that subject. I'm not good at anything. I can't draw, I’m not smart, I’m not sociable. I don't understand a fucking atom and how its electrons are set up around it or why “Morometii” is a modern post-war novel and I most certainly don't want to and don't think it is important or it will affect my life directly. I just want to break free of all these material and spiritual concepts. And I don’t mean go down the final solution, no that’s stupid. I literally mean cease to exist, eternal blackness and blankness. No fear, love, hate, hunger, fatigue, nothing at all. Just pure blackness, me, my thoughts and eternal silence would be all that ever existed. I keep ending up wishing that’s how death IS but don’t want to try and go there because I became attached to something. And not to people, I hate and like people. No, it’s the conveniences such as a cold glass of cola when you’re tired and a movie or game when you’re bored. I’m afraid I couldn’t go live without those. I’d like to say I don’t want the final solution, i.e. suicide, because I care about who’s going to be sad and what not, but I don’t. It’s the fear of lack of commodity and fear of pain.
I have to be trapped in this world where man shapes his surroundings. We could just live like animals, maybe stick to that spear that Ung came up with. But no, we had to go further and beyond, make swords, then bows the crossbows and guns so we can outlaw them and kill each other with and kill the animals in enclosed facilities with machines designed only for chopping them so Billy from down the street can have his processed pork steak dinner. Fuck this. We could have lived a simple life away from thoughts we think because we are not doing something else like trying to survive. Why are we all so depressed and stressed out is because we are not meant to develop the mental capacity we have. We’re supposed to be chasing that stupid squirrel for a meal so that we don’t starve, but we’ve made such a padded-walls-world that even natural selection has been driven out and we’re butt fucking ourselves because of overpopulation .Wake up, you moronic retards.
I really wish I could just stay and do nothing all day staring at shit on the internet. But I can’t even do what I like most all the time because I can discern it’s not going to put food on my table. And I don’t want to struggle all my life to make ends meet. We all end up grinding ourselves for that stuff anyway, but bah…
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