Spilling some soul, my bad.

Why do I get sad? Because life keeps dangling happiness in front of me, carrot on a stick style. I think this is actually what motivates some people, because they can't see the string or the stick and don't realise they'll never catch up with it.
Why do I get sad? Because I've grown accustomed to it. It's what I am. I am sorrowful angry and hateful person. It's what I've become and I can't care enough to change because no matter how sad you get it never hurts you physically. So there's never a reason to stop being sad other than the fact that it's unpleasant.
Why do I get sad? Because I've very little and spread out reasons to be happy. I could be happy, I could bury the sorrow away, but it would be a part of me that I am burying and forgetting. And feelings without a reason are as empty as it can get.
Why do I get sad? Because I am selfish and want everything to be good. Because it's rare for things to happen the way I want them to and my wish extends over to forces and beings I have no control over. Being selfish makes you believe you are entitled to be happy.
Why do I get sad? Because I see things that are wrong which I can't fix. I notice mistakes made in large scale, hypocrisy, deception, delusion and lies that, in the view of a honest man, have no reason to be part of the world. Sincerity is losing the battle to greed.
Why do I get sad? Because I let that feeling linger. I live with it, and sometimes, to be honest, it feels good to feel sad. Specifically, when it's the only feeling I can feel justified, and the only feeling I have under my comfort blanket.
Why do I get sad? Because despite all the armour I've built for myself, you can never wear something protective enough. There's always a little slit somewhere where someone can just stick their knife in. And blood rusts armour.It's because I'm proven time and time again I am still weak enough to depend on other people and dumb enough to get attached.
Why do I get sad? Because I am lonely and we are hard wired to feel sad alongside being lonely. And I am lonely because of a plethora of reasons. I am not attractive. I am not social. I am not creative. I am not likeable. The only times I can be funny is when I reference somebody else's joke or emulate some funny behaviour. And in reality, the only kind of person that would like me would either have to lie to themselves or just be the same. And -1+ (-1) =! 2.
Why do I get sad? Because I believe in concepts that only exist in fiction. Because I've been convinced to believe in concepts such as true love and honour.
Why do I get sad? Because I am a useless, broken, talentless, purposeless, deluded, dumb, pathetic, weak piece of shit.
Addendum : I never said I didn't want to be sad, but I never said I didn't want to be happy. And I'm guessing being happy is better. I don't know.

Dickbag theories (for now)

#1 Everyone is stupid. No exceptions.
#2 The only thing you can be sure of is that you can't be sure of anything.
#3 You can prove the existence of a single entity, the originator of the "I", in "I think".
#4 Humans are the most delusional animals and they lie to each other and themselves all the time.

Dreams of a sleepless fuck

One of them geeky pale girls with long black hair. She's got these crazy green eyes and I could swear I lose myself countless times in just when she wakes up. And she looks so short and skinny as she gets up to walk toward the bathroom to wash her pretty face. Fragile little thing. So I get myself together, get up and follow her. I hug her in front of the mirror and think for a second that I might actually be happy. But I know she doesn't feel the same. She sleeps around, I'm just another guy.

Some dreams can mess you up pretty bad, man.

Right-Click > Convert to... analogy

Alright. Say you're this kid born in the  1920's and you never meet your father. Say your mother and everyone else tells you that your father is a highly influential illusive rich man that will always be watching you but never interferes dirrectly with your life. You also get told he loves you very much, but if you do not believe he's your father you will get beat up pretty bad. So you go through life and he pays a bunch of guys to pick on you in high school, you get fired from every job, but he also leaves random 100$ bills you find and pays this one girl at some point to show affection to you, but you don't think that he actually does all of this even though the same people tell you he does. So you grow up not to believe in him because if he is really rich and loves you he wouldn't let you have such a shitty life, and you can't afford a private detective and DNA tests don't exist for you to prove anything. And then one day you randomly run into him and you get knocked out. You wake up in this red room where an ex-employee of him just beats the living shit out of you and then nurses you back to health to beat the shit out of you again. For the rest of your life. And your father is there watching. Because he loves you.

Serial killers and you

         Intro
I think I was 14 by the time  I had a serial killer idea. And yes, I was stupid enough for a while that I went outside examining the area and people with these crazy thoughts. Anyway , the keyword with this thing is evidence. One must be absolutely sure no evidence is left behind. With how stuff works especially today, leaving a 2mm bit of hair is equal to you getting caught. My idea would involve putting plenty of money into it which springs American Psycho into mind.

        Weapons
The only thing reusable would be the car used for transport but even that might be a means of tying you to the murders. For weapons and clothes always buy from random stores without a pattern. Use stuff that is everyday material but can be used as a weapon (scissor, nail gun, hammer, screwdriver (heh, tools)) and. Clothes have to be dark colors but throw in a random light colored shirt occasionally which you don't use. Shop out the zone you live and make no comments about the stuff you buy unless asked and then reply casually.

         The act
 The downside is that this takes all personality out of killing. You have no pattern, killing must be done swiftly so no enjoyment, no police fame but then again that is what drags everyone down, the point is just never being caught. Second of all your state of mind is important, as you must have enough mental capacity to remain unchanged mentally in any means and give no hint that you ever did anything like this. This makes the murders seem like disappearances with no trace if you made sure enough that there is no evidence behind. Every act must be carried out on a random day, and not more than twice maybe per year.  First of all examine the area thoroughly looking for blind spots, obviously do it at night, pick completely random victims and don't have any reason to do it, carry out the murder as fast as possible making sure noise isn't a problem. Also falling into patterns is a bad idea. 

         Disposing of the act
Now I think that the solution is fire. Acquire a means of transporting your dead victim to a place where you can be sure nobody will see you pull them out and start a fire such as middle of the woods and make the place different every time. Do it in a different city/state every time is also a good option but that incriminates you with travelling around too much so try to avoid being recorded doing this. Burn both the body, the weapon and the clothes you were wearing during the murder in an as small as possible fire ( takes time so you might lose a night) and then scatter ash and burry skeleton as well as pull out the teeth and skull and bury them much farther, spread out bones and the remains of the weapon.

         Dealing with the outcome
The thing is this might actually spark a pattern, and you will get your fame but when you do hear word of it you must act shocked but not show interest more than the average person. Do not follow the mediatization of your acts, and keep absolutely nothing that might tie you to the murder at all.

        Outro
I'm obviously not going to be stupid enough to do it as I think I would take no pleasure in murdering random people and I did write this whole stuff so it's going to be easy to recognize it by someone who read it (nobody, ever). I just felt that the thought process might be interesting.

Shit I need to remember to verify maybe

•  Being gay is natural selection.
•  The only thing that can be perfect is pure inexistence(not: things you imagined that don't exist).
•  Everyone is stupid.
•  There are no judeo-christian gods, and no poly-theistic religion gods either.
•  Fetishes derive from the subconscious due to some event.
•  There is no reason for us to ponder the workings of things or even us being rational.
•  Racism is part of survival instinct and/or natural selection.
•  Everything living beings do is due to survival instinct.
•  Most stupid people want to stand out, therfore do stupid stuff. They all believe they are unique.
• Sleep has no function to the phyiscal body, just to the brain, therefore pysical fatigue due to lack of sleep doesn't exist.
• All we say and do is the result of a cognitive process, conscious or subconscious, everything we do has a reason beside surivial instinct OR is our understanding of survival instinct.

XX

Today I am a sad man. Today it has finally happened.Today it seems that I have no means to distract myself from my meaningless existance. Nothing is fun anymore, nothing entertaining. Just long drawn out hours upon hours of nothing. This is even worse than sleeping, because at least with sleeping I'm not conscious. It all keeps going on and I have no idea what to do to change anything. I must not forget, I am stuck here forever. And by ever I mean the loose definition of my lifetime. If only ceilings were more interesting to stare at.

And I even know what the problem is here. I have become too social without becoming sociable enough. I've grown dependent upon others without my own will. It just happened over time and now I can only change within more time. I don't like people and I don't want to depend upon them for entertainment, everything else is fine. I'm too selfish, self-centered and egotistical to be able to accept other people, if only there was a cloning machine or something... Geez.

It rained yesterday. I like rain, especially spring rain. The smell of grass, the feeling of water pouring on you, the relaxing sound, the chilly breeze, and best of all, the low amout of people outside. I want it to rain again.