XXII

       A blank slate. A new day. Another night of missed sleep. Another conquest and battle for the truth. Nothing matters though, and there still is no reason to seek it, yet I still do. It's fun, entertaining and interesting, and that's the only thing that keeps me safe from the horror of boredom. Have I reached an answer? Is it possible to? Should I contain emotion or completely wipe it out? Is either of those possible? Questions. An endless stream of them rush to me, seeking an answer, just like all the others. I'm guessing strictly emotionless human behaviour is improbable without extensive conditioning from early on, but it still might be a possibility. What would Tyler Durden do? Would he encourage rationality or sentimentality and which one does really benefit anyone? I'm sure both are beneficial and detrimental to us, individually or on a large scale and it's hard to weight in which one is better. Many good things are emotionally drive and many bad things alike. Though, rationality doesn't endorse self-damaging behaviour. I'd like to believe rationality is what is most beneficial for an emotionally unstable individual like me. I have nothing and I have everything, yet I am nothing and nothing more. Just another contradiction, I tell myself, and learn to live on with it, in time. Add it to the pile. Who am I even? I don't...hm. Maybe I am just really flexible and twist around to mould to the people I surround myself with? When's the last time I acted a way because I felt like it and not for someone else? It must have been at least a month ago. I want that to stop, and I want to do things for myself only. I don't want to care for anyone, not even myself. I can't accept anyone, no matter how close they come to perfection because they will always have flaws. I can't accept myself much, seeing the piles upon piles I've gathered, but the difference between me and other people is that I can choose who to talk to but I can't detach my conscience from the flesh I am. I want to never care for anyone else and I am sure I am able to, to never give one iota of feeling for anything other than enjoyment of entertainment. It's the only thing I want to be concerned, the well being and entertainment of myself and I should not care at what price it comes from people I may or may not have cared or care. It's a hard decision to take, but it must be taken in order to be my true self-centred selfish self.
          I do not fear death but have no wish to live. I don't wish to die, either. What the hell do I want? To be entertained. It seems to have surfaced many times as my predominant motivational factor. Entertainment of any sorts, I could say, drives everything I do. I don't want money in large sums, I do not wish for women or friends. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to live "high" on life or any substance. I simply want to be entertained and the sole reason I exist is to entertain myself. The aggravating part is that people seem to get caught in that existence, people that want to or force themselves into it. People I end up liking and disliking at the same time. People from which I have to break free, should I wish to be free to be the real me, because the only time I can be the real me is isolated from all contact from people I would ever care about.
           It's really annoying how little choice we have regarding where, how, when and to who we are born, who we meet and what we become in time, therefore, man will always seek freedom. The only reward that comes from that is the delusional idea of freedom, a concept which cannot exist to the absolute for anything that was ever born, simply because they didn't choose to get born. They might agree to it, but it's not the same. Or maybe I am wrong and we do choose to be born? Everything is possible, which is why the search for truth is so difficult. It's not an easy task to discern between apparent truth and actual truth, and even then the very standards by which we judge might be flawed. With that said, perfect rationality doesn't exist either. Just a few of the reasons why I am bothered by the fact I exist to think these paradoxical thoughts.