I

          And so the movie (Good Will Hunting) ends with one of those bullshit love and good conquer all. But that's not how it happens. That's not how life works. It always ends badly. You go through life with a moderate amount of pleasant events and a load of other unpleasant ones and then what happens? You die. Some kind of reward that is. But wait, apparently there is a reward! If you're all nice and gullible you go to a awesome eternal peacefulness plane called 'Heaven'. Not only did we need to come up with an explanation for our existence, but we also had to think of some bullshit way to punish those who do not believe the fairy tales we've come up with.

But enough on that subject. I'm not good at anything. I can't draw, I’m not smart, I’m not sociable. I don't understand a fucking atom and how its electrons are set up around it or why “Morometii” is a modern post-war novel and I most certainly don't want to and don't think it is important or it will affect my life directly. I just want to break free of all these material and spiritual concepts. And I don’t mean go down the final solution, no that’s stupid. I literally mean cease to exist, eternal blackness and blankness. No fear, love, hate, hunger, fatigue, nothing at all. Just pure blackness, me, my thoughts and eternal silence would be all that ever existed. I keep ending up wishing that’s how death IS but don’t want to try and go there because I became attached to something. And not to people, I hate and like people. No, it’s the conveniences such as a cold glass of cola when you’re tired and a movie or game when you’re bored. I’m afraid I couldn’t go live without those. I’d like to say I don’t want the final solution, i.e. suicide, because I care about who’s going to be sad and what not, but I don’t. It’s the fear of lack of commodity and fear of pain.

I have to be trapped in this world where man shapes his surroundings. We could just live like animals, maybe stick to that spear that Ung came up with. But no, we had to go further and beyond, make swords, then bows the crossbows and guns so we can outlaw them and kill each other with and kill the animals in enclosed facilities with machines designed only for chopping them so Billy from down the street can have his processed pork steak dinner. Fuck this. We could have lived a simple life away from thoughts we think because we are not doing something else like trying to survive. Why are we all so depressed and stressed out is because we are not meant to develop the mental capacity we have. We’re supposed to be chasing that stupid squirrel for a meal so that we don’t starve, but we’ve made such a padded-walls-world that even natural selection has been driven out and we’re butt fucking ourselves because of overpopulation .Wake up, you moronic retards.

I really wish I could just stay and do nothing all day staring at shit on the internet. But I can’t even do what I like most all the time because I can discern it’s not going to put food on my table. And I don’t want to struggle all my life to make ends meet. We all end up grinding ourselves for that stuff anyway, but bah…