VI

It takes a while for anyone smart enough to realize that everything they value doesn’t really exist. Because we’ve built ourselves rainbow painted cardboard boxes that we live in. It all easily falls down once you touch the walls. But I still don’t think suicide is the right answer. The only problem is that the individuals who see that these values are missing are so few that even if they joined efforts they wouldn’t be able to change something. I guess that’s what life’s like. Shit happens and you get sad and mop, but you have to. If you don’t, it will all build up, and that ends a lot worse. You just have to deal with it. Even if there’s nothing left, you still have yourself and your thoughts.

I’m going to go ahead and open up a subject I think is gay and stupid: love. The definition I know of love was thought to me not by experience and feeling, but by movies and songs. And that’s a very, very bad thing, because that love either doesn’t exist or nobody wants it. Nobody wants it except ‘hopeless romantics’ and the irony is that it seems two people who actually match barely ever meet. And even with realizing this I am stupid, and I can’t stress that. I am as stupid and retarded as they can get for wanting, no believing and hoping something like that could happen. It’s a stupid stubborn feeling of yearning I just can’t kill no matter how hard I try. It’s the stupid pro-creation mechanism built-in by nature. Or maybe I am just extraordinarily stupid. I’m leaning more towards the second. Maybe it’s the lack of affection I grew up with? Who knows? Who cares except me? Probably nobody.

This always happens. Whenever I write something I always feel like going back and expanding upon most of the subjects I talked about. Is it because I forget to talk more about them, or because the idea arrives later? It sucks that a written test doesn’t work like a word document. It sucks you can’t go back and write that stuff. But I guess maybe that’s a good metaphor for life. You can either be please with the paper(life) as you wrote it or start all over, which that takes time which you probably don’t have. You can never go back and fix stuff just like that.

Heh, even when I take time to write something and think about it much I still don’t make valid points, but whatever.